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| brief recap of this past yearj
-joined the club soccer team at Geneseo. Proud to be a member of TFS (Team fucking sweet)
-was subjected to collegiate figure drawing. kinda boring.
-learned that i kind of dig writing
-started to wear plaid
-made a shitload of new friends
-rekindled old friendships that i thought were lost
-played varsity soccer. it was BALLS.
-went to mississippi for relief work.
-spent the whole night at relay for life.
-became an acrylic portrait painter
-fell out of love
-WENT STREAKING.
-was chosen to be captain of my soccer team. HUGE DEAL. a sophomore's never been chosen.
-ran a duathlon
-came in dead last of those that finished
-got a car. '02 honda civic 5 speed
-marred my mom's car.
-going on a month long bike trip with a good friend starting june 15th.
i'll throw in more as i remember it.
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| i have no idea how to begin this. maybe with some background.
a week ago, my dad asked me if i wanted to help him put up a christmas tree. i replied that i didn't want to, but that i would.
it's not that i'm pro christmas-tree so much as pro-robert littlefield. my dad, a catholic out of tradition more than belief, will always love everything about the season. he loves christmas trinkets, music and, of course, trees. We have yet to put one up, and i hate seeing the sad look in his eyes as he views other people's bright christmas displays.
so, today, i told him i would put up the tree with him and that the house didn't seem right without it. So, my dad told my mom and she flipped shit. She started screaming and stormed out of the kitchen, my dad in her tumultous wake. They duked it out, and by they i mean my mom screamed at my father.
Their fight was mostly white noise to me, a regualar occurance for me. Then, out of the blankness came my mom screaming about me. How, we shouldn't do anything for me since i was an atheist, that i wasn't worth the time of rearranging some furniture so that we could put up our little artficial tree.
I was angry for a moment, a weird feeling for me, and then i settled down. whatever.
a little while later, my mom shuffled into the kitchen. i was sitting at the table silently eating a banana. she ignored me for a few minutes before she finally turned to me. Her eyes full of rage, her jowls quivering with distaste, "tell me" she spat "why you want a christmas tree if you don't even believe in god". As i didn't want to tell her that it was for my father, i replied that it "seemed like a nice tradition, one of family."
With an undeniable aura of anger, she replied "you're just the most anti family of all of us. that doesn't make sense."
i said that it wasn't true. she of course had to figure out how she could justify her claim. she paused for a few minutes, as she had nothing to say. my mother regurally makes unfounded statements about me simply because i do not mean much to her. i am her biological daughter, certainly, but i am not what she wanted. i am not my brother, the softspoken, friendless golden-domer.
she finally said "you are at the center of every conflict. you tear us apart."
at that, i got up, threw away my banana peel, and said that "i'm sorry that my niche in this house is simply to antagonize the family." as i walked away, she said "AND I THINK YOU LIKE IT."
I turned and said, "no, last time i checked i'm perfectly content benginely strumming chords on my guitar in my room."
it was a lousy comeback, but i didn't really want to get in a fight, because contrary to popular belief i do not like being the center of every conflict.
the person who is really antagonizing the family is my mother. she has never treated us (me especially) in a loving way.
Recently, she has been in a terrible mood because neither my brother or me want anything for christmas. i do not need anything, and even if i did, i don't believe in asking for trivial material goods at a time that i understand to mean more. my mother, however, thinks that christmas is about buying people shit they don't need. Her understanding of good parenting is to spend a large quantity of money that we don't have to spend in a desperate attempt to shower my brother and me with presents. We both agree that it is her way of making up for her shitty parenting.
so, of course, she's been in a terrible mood recently because she doesn't have anything to give us. at the same time, though she's been lecturing me about how christmas is about god. she's also said that for this reason, i shouldn't even have the ability to get presents in the first place. i've contested that christmas is about family. she says that it isn't.
the other day, i was talking to greg koski about this season. he ended up saying that 'i didn't appreciate it.' it's so much more than that. i appreciate it, but i hate watching it get ravaged by inflatable santas, black friday maulings and iphones.
i guess this won't mean a lot to other people, but it does to me.
i feel so alone, and i think that it'll always be this way. i don't fit in anywhere, not even in my family. I'm a vegan, an atheist, and average all around person. i don't excel at art, i'm not going to an ivy league school and i'm depressed out of my mind.
i'm beginning to wonder if i will ever belong, or at least be happy.
i doubt it. i'll just continue to exist and then someday die.
i wonder what my mom would do if she knew my brother, the poster child of the family, was an athiest too.
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| ...there are some people that i would have liked to see that i didn't.
i still want to keep in touch with you.
namely, if you peruse this xanga, you would be on that list. | | |
| i guess the people i saw this break are the ones i'm going to keep in touch with?
i mean, it seems that if they kept in touch with me over such a short break they're the ones i'm keepin'.
back to writing an essay bout kiki smith. 10 pages. oh boy. | | |
| i am at a complete loss.
here is my life in bullet form:
-i have a sinus infection
-my sinus infection is developing into an upper respiratory infection
-i am developing the reputation as "the naked friend" in my "clique" because I have to constantly draw self portraits of myself for figure drawing. The other day, as I had to draw a lifesize naked portrait, I had my friend photograph me ass naked playing with a yoyo (the yoyo being a massive fuck you to my teacher). holy crap, how things have changed.
-i am becoming extremely close to a few quality seniors and i can already see how hard its going to be when they're no longer here
-i was going to transfer schools to one with a decent art program and then i realized i don't have the drive
-i don't want to do anything with my life
-i wish i wanted to do something with my life
-last time i checked, i don't have any real interests
-people are starting to notice that my happiness is largely a facade
-last week, i had initiation for my soccer team. the first night was sober, we had to go around doing a ridiculous scavenger hunt. for instance, one teammate had to "finger" the athena statue in our library, one of my male coaches had to go to the middle of main st and scream that he had "never given a girl an orgasm". that was funny...
-the next night was the drunk night. the returners wore devil outfits while they dressed us up as angels. we drank a shitload and went on a scavenger hunt, every place we ended up we had to do a task, drink and then receive a clue that would send us to our next location. it was an insane night.
after it had all ended, i went back to the house where it began, plastered. i revealed everything that i choose never to say. i told my team everything that i really am, things i haven't ever told anyone, and now they really know me. i don't know if they'll ever look at me in the same way.
i used to just be the "amiable boob", now i'm just the kid with too much baggage. (oh baby).
-i am becoming a better artist
-i am dealing with things that i have never had to before and i am at a loss. i want answers and there are none.
-i am the victim of unrequited love. i can already feel how painful it's going to be a year from now when that fact is tangible and we are no longer together.
-the other night, one of my senior friends (mildly drunk), told me that she didn't understand why i had no confidence. if don't understand, she said with a smile, why you aren't fucking cocky.
-i wish i was cocky. i wish i had confidence. it probably doesn't help that my whole life everyone has been telling me that something's wrong with me. people have always acted as though i don't fit in. my mother never gave me the time i deserved. i was the black sheep. fuck, people thought i was a lesbian because i never found it necessary to flaunt my boobs and wear uncomfortable pants.
-i wish i fit in
-i enjoy what i am, but it's painful to watch from a distance and see how things are going.
-i'm starting to understand myself. i'm starting to realize that, although i thought i emerged from my upbringing unscathed, it is the exact opposite. there are so many things about me that will never change that were the mere results of the first 18 years of my life.
-i don't like obama. i voted for nader.
-someone is yelling 'bitches' outside of my window
-my current haircut is terrible
-i have become an avid reader of twilight. it's embarassing. i don't know why i just wrote that.
-i still have my sense of humor.
-if i have to draw one more flacid dick in figure drawing i think i'm going to explode.
goodnight. | | |
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